From a Stepmother on Mother's Day

I am a stepmother. 

There. I said it. The S word. I don't particularly like the word. 

I much prefer Bonus Mom, Momma Jodi or pretty much anything other than Stepmother. Maybe it's just the "Step" part that bothers me but it just seems so negative. I have never asked them to call me mom because that is not my place.

Thanks to Cinderella, we have understood the term "Wicked Stepmother" in vivid detail. There are volumes and volumes of notes in therapist's offices about how horrible Stepmothers can be, but I assure you, those are few and far between. In fact, I often hear from children, grown children that is, of families who had awful stepmothers and who give my husband and I accolades for how we are raising our children. Thankfully, there is that. I just really never expected Mother's Day to be so lonely with six children. I dread it actually... Sure, I enjoy the rest and the breakfast in bed. I certainly don't take that for granted with having been a single mother for many years, and only now having a loving husband and a child old enough to cook. So, don't get me wrong, I appreciate that my two children and my husband always make Mother's Day special. However, when you're mother to six kids virtually every other day of the year, it gets a little lonely. 

When I married their father, I know I didn't just marry him, I married THEM. And, I knew his ex, their biological mom, would always be a part of that equation.  In spite of how she treats us, however, she is their mother, and I understand that to that end, the children deserve to have us speak kindly about her and not to tear her down, it's counterproductive. And, in the end it hurts them, and I refuse to hurt them. They didn't choose this, but we just have to make the best of it and I will always take the high road, even when it's hard. FOR them...

Since we have custody of the children now, I have a renewed sense of what it is to be a mother. The fact that they didn't come from my womb, well... that matters less and less daily. What matters is who tucks them in at night, who prepares their meals, holds them when they hurt and has the power to make the pain go away with just a kind word or a band aid. Sigh... I just love being with them all, but Mother's Day is tough. As a step parent this season means that you may or may not be recognized in any way. Overlooked intentionally? I doubt it. But oh how I love my kids. All six of them. You see, I have been wicked stepmonster to four of the kids for almost four years now. So, with that said, it's hard to be the one that is a second thought even though they all tell me that they love me on a regular basis, a fact which we have never forced on them. I have always said I love you, but you don't have to love me, just know that I will love you no matter what. 

And, that, I guess is what really matters, even if they are with their mom on Mother's Day, I count my blessings that I get to be a part of their other days. I am thankful, blessed, and overwhelmed with the gift God has bestowed on us to take care of these amazing children. It's hard, daily. But worth every tantrum, every muddy shoe, every stinky soccer uniform, every unmade bed, every everything... because I am their BONUS mom.

Have a great day everyone! 

J 

The Rules for Moms - 10 MISSION CRITICAL RULES! from someone who has been there.

The Rules for Moms - 10 MISSION CRITICAL RULES! from someone who has been there.

If you are a child of the 70's and 80's like me you may know a few of these things too, but humor me... As a product of the RULES books of the 90's I wanted to impart some NEW RULES, But this time for MOMS!

I am raising a family in the age of instant gratification, excess and technology. And though technology has its advantages with the convenience it offers, as moms we must stand up and fight FOR our kids and FOR the family. So here are a few RULES I've put together for moms that should help.

Preface with GOD... And lots of LOVE.

(1) Put face-to-face interaction FIRST!- in this age of technology, where everyone has his or her head in a screen, it's important that we set boundaries for ourselves and our families. We have a docking station where all of our devices land at 8 o'clock and they aren't touched for the duration of the evening. With six kids under 15, this is the best way to limit the tech time in the evenings that the kids have. We also make an effort to watch shows WITH our kids if and when we have time to watch TV.

(2) Touch- be sure you connect with your kids through touch. I'm not talking creeper touch, I'm talking a hug, a kiss, a touch on the arm. They just need that...

(3) Connect- telling the kids you're proud of them is one thing, but connecting with them in a common interest is essential... Even if it's something you're not "usually" in to. Do it for them, they'll eat it up!

(4) OfferEtiquette- I'm no Lauren Conrad, Martha Stewart or Emily Post, but we can't forget our kids when it comes to teaching them how to be well mannered. Teach them to sit still, ask for things nicely and to have good table manners. 

I had an etiquette coach in middle school (she was our English teacher and did this as an elective once per semester) when I was young and I still remember learning which fork is which and how to shake hands. These are skills we need to be someone who was socially adept and could go out to a nice dinner without embarrassing ourselves.

(5) Impart Wisdom- tell them YOUR story.

My kids love it when we share stories of our childhoods and experiences from our lives. They love hearing stories about places we've been and things we've seen. Unplug and talk to your kids. They love that.

(6) Give up control- teach them. I know it takes longer to teach someone to do something rather than do it yourself, but your kids will be more self sufficient end the end if you loosen the reins and let them do things for themselves. 

(7) Realize that perfection is a Myth- forget about being "Pinterest Perfect" and learn that good enough is pretty darn good when your juggling the duties of a modern day mom. Believe me, Pinterest is fun, but I look at it like a modern day magazine. You can't possibly do all those things, but the pictures sure are pretty to look at. Be yourself and be imperfect. Just being PRESENT is the biggest and only gift they need.

(8) Let them it's okay be little- kindergarteners are learning at a faster and faster pace, everyone is trying to be sure our kids have a competitive edge in this country and I understand. But that said, we mustn't forget that we need to allow them to just be kids and just allow them to run, jump, play in the rain and just be. That's the stuff they'll remember. 

(9) Teach Home Management- okay this one is for ALL the kids and speaks to the perfectionism I touched on earlier. Don't strive to perfection, but teach your children to wash their own clothes, wash their own dishes, clean up after meals and help out. This isn't merely a survival skill for big families, but the goal is to raise them to be productive adults, not productive needy leeches, right? So let's teach them to keep their spaces, K??

(10) Teach Competitiveness- in the age when "everybody wins" it is imperative that we teach our children to be competitive yet how to be a GOOD SPORT when they lose and when they win! Being competitive means competing against yourself too. Teach the kids the term "personal best", so they can be the best version of themselves.

What things do you do for your kids to help them be productive ADULTS? leave a comment below.

Also, be sure to subscribe to receive blog posts when they are published. And don't forget to check me out on YouTube at: http://youtu.be/sbf2tS4SHGg

Until next time have a great day!

Jodi

Getting punched in the face at Easter!

So this happened..... as we were walking into church this morning, saying hello to some of our friends, some of our new friends, whom I absolutely love, came over to say hi to my smallest child, the mostly mild mannered one, the four almost five year old... 

This woman is a true friend. I haven't met someone like her in years. Like, someone-I-know-has-my-back kind of friend.... I had friends like her in my home town where I would see them and they would somehow instinctively know I didn't feel well, or delight with me when things went well. And, we sort of rode this roller coaster of life together. Like good girlfriends do. I have only met a few of these ladies since landing in my new town and I hold each of them in high regard.

Well, anywho... I was distracted by another friend for a brief second and the next thing I know my sweet son had punched her in the face!!! I, of course, was MORTIFIED, and my husband took him aside and discussed how that was an inappropriate way to greet someone. But, wow.... That happened.... On Easter Sunday. At Church. 

What do you say, sorry my kid punched you in the face, on Easter Sunday??? At Church.... " I can't wait to see you at bible study!?" I wanted to bury my head!

But this is was what was so awesome....  She came up to me after the sermon and I loved her neck and again apologized, and She had the most grace-filled response. She said you know, he's a boy. He's four. And, it doesn't bother me, I don't have little ones in the house anymore so I don't even worry about it, y'all are way more worried about it than me. 

This was just the lesson that I needed this Easter. 

No, you won't get everything on your list.

This year our kids will not get everything on their list. They will get love and be shown the love of Christ revealed on Christmas. They will have full tummies and love and family all around them. They will not get a red mustang ride on toy or a red motorcycle or a playhouse in the back yard or a Xbox. 

Don't get me wrong, there will be toys and trinkets and fun things under the tree. Simple things. They will not get Kindle Fires or i-anything... But they will get iloveyous and icares a million fold.

After years of spoiling them, I worry I am disappointing them by not giving them everything they ask for. However the season is far less about the things that they receive than the GIFT of Jesus. And, the only way to instill the truth of that is to pull back, do less, love more and I am really okay with that.

As your preparations for the Christmas season continue, remember a baby, lying in a manger with nothing more than rags around him who was, is, and will always be enough. 

Have a great day friends!

J