From a Stepmother on Mother's Day

I am a stepmother. 

There. I said it. The S word. I don't particularly like the word. 

I much prefer Bonus Mom, Momma Jodi or pretty much anything other than Stepmother. Maybe it's just the "Step" part that bothers me but it just seems so negative. I have never asked them to call me mom because that is not my place.

Thanks to Cinderella, we have understood the term "Wicked Stepmother" in vivid detail. There are volumes and volumes of notes in therapist's offices about how horrible Stepmothers can be, but I assure you, those are few and far between. In fact, I often hear from children, grown children that is, of families who had awful stepmothers and who give my husband and I accolades for how we are raising our children. Thankfully, there is that. I just really never expected Mother's Day to be so lonely with six children. I dread it actually... Sure, I enjoy the rest and the breakfast in bed. I certainly don't take that for granted with having been a single mother for many years, and only now having a loving husband and a child old enough to cook. So, don't get me wrong, I appreciate that my two children and my husband always make Mother's Day special. However, when you're mother to six kids virtually every other day of the year, it gets a little lonely. 

When I married their father, I know I didn't just marry him, I married THEM. And, I knew his ex, their biological mom, would always be a part of that equation.  In spite of how she treats us, however, she is their mother, and I understand that to that end, the children deserve to have us speak kindly about her and not to tear her down, it's counterproductive. And, in the end it hurts them, and I refuse to hurt them. They didn't choose this, but we just have to make the best of it and I will always take the high road, even when it's hard. FOR them...

Since we have custody of the children now, I have a renewed sense of what it is to be a mother. The fact that they didn't come from my womb, well... that matters less and less daily. What matters is who tucks them in at night, who prepares their meals, holds them when they hurt and has the power to make the pain go away with just a kind word or a band aid. Sigh... I just love being with them all, but Mother's Day is tough. As a step parent this season means that you may or may not be recognized in any way. Overlooked intentionally? I doubt it. But oh how I love my kids. All six of them. You see, I have been wicked stepmonster to four of the kids for almost four years now. So, with that said, it's hard to be the one that is a second thought even though they all tell me that they love me on a regular basis, a fact which we have never forced on them. I have always said I love you, but you don't have to love me, just know that I will love you no matter what. 

And, that, I guess is what really matters, even if they are with their mom on Mother's Day, I count my blessings that I get to be a part of their other days. I am thankful, blessed, and overwhelmed with the gift God has bestowed on us to take care of these amazing children. It's hard, daily. But worth every tantrum, every muddy shoe, every stinky soccer uniform, every unmade bed, every everything... because I am their BONUS mom.

Have a great day everyone! 

J 

The Rules for Moms - 10 MISSION CRITICAL RULES! from someone who has been there.

The Rules for Moms - 10 MISSION CRITICAL RULES! from someone who has been there.

If you are a child of the 70's and 80's like me you may know a few of these things too, but humor me... As a product of the RULES books of the 90's I wanted to impart some NEW RULES, But this time for MOMS!

I am raising a family in the age of instant gratification, excess and technology. And though technology has its advantages with the convenience it offers, as moms we must stand up and fight FOR our kids and FOR the family. So here are a few RULES I've put together for moms that should help.

Preface with GOD... And lots of LOVE.

(1) Put face-to-face interaction FIRST!- in this age of technology, where everyone has his or her head in a screen, it's important that we set boundaries for ourselves and our families. We have a docking station where all of our devices land at 8 o'clock and they aren't touched for the duration of the evening. With six kids under 15, this is the best way to limit the tech time in the evenings that the kids have. We also make an effort to watch shows WITH our kids if and when we have time to watch TV.

(2) Touch- be sure you connect with your kids through touch. I'm not talking creeper touch, I'm talking a hug, a kiss, a touch on the arm. They just need that...

(3) Connect- telling the kids you're proud of them is one thing, but connecting with them in a common interest is essential... Even if it's something you're not "usually" in to. Do it for them, they'll eat it up!

(4) OfferEtiquette- I'm no Lauren Conrad, Martha Stewart or Emily Post, but we can't forget our kids when it comes to teaching them how to be well mannered. Teach them to sit still, ask for things nicely and to have good table manners. 

I had an etiquette coach in middle school (she was our English teacher and did this as an elective once per semester) when I was young and I still remember learning which fork is which and how to shake hands. These are skills we need to be someone who was socially adept and could go out to a nice dinner without embarrassing ourselves.

(5) Impart Wisdom- tell them YOUR story.

My kids love it when we share stories of our childhoods and experiences from our lives. They love hearing stories about places we've been and things we've seen. Unplug and talk to your kids. They love that.

(6) Give up control- teach them. I know it takes longer to teach someone to do something rather than do it yourself, but your kids will be more self sufficient end the end if you loosen the reins and let them do things for themselves. 

(7) Realize that perfection is a Myth- forget about being "Pinterest Perfect" and learn that good enough is pretty darn good when your juggling the duties of a modern day mom. Believe me, Pinterest is fun, but I look at it like a modern day magazine. You can't possibly do all those things, but the pictures sure are pretty to look at. Be yourself and be imperfect. Just being PRESENT is the biggest and only gift they need.

(8) Let them it's okay be little- kindergarteners are learning at a faster and faster pace, everyone is trying to be sure our kids have a competitive edge in this country and I understand. But that said, we mustn't forget that we need to allow them to just be kids and just allow them to run, jump, play in the rain and just be. That's the stuff they'll remember. 

(9) Teach Home Management- okay this one is for ALL the kids and speaks to the perfectionism I touched on earlier. Don't strive to perfection, but teach your children to wash their own clothes, wash their own dishes, clean up after meals and help out. This isn't merely a survival skill for big families, but the goal is to raise them to be productive adults, not productive needy leeches, right? So let's teach them to keep their spaces, K??

(10) Teach Competitiveness- in the age when "everybody wins" it is imperative that we teach our children to be competitive yet how to be a GOOD SPORT when they lose and when they win! Being competitive means competing against yourself too. Teach the kids the term "personal best", so they can be the best version of themselves.

What things do you do for your kids to help them be productive ADULTS? leave a comment below.

Also, be sure to subscribe to receive blog posts when they are published. And don't forget to check me out on YouTube at: http://youtu.be/sbf2tS4SHGg

Until next time have a great day!

Jodi

SURVIVAL KIT FOR MOMS: 7 items I can't live without!

 So this morning A didn't go to school. It was EEG day. So we got the other five kids to school, homemade bottle rockets and backpacks in tow, and loaded everyone up into the vehicle. It is no small feat in the mornings because everyone argues about who gets to sit where. I see a seating chart in our future.

So Aiden and I went over to the hospital around 9:30am and got him checked in. We had to go to the "big" hospital because the machine at the children's hospital is broken. After waiting for about twenty minutes they called us back. Aiden buried his head into my chest. He was very concerned about this test. You see, he is just now old enough to really remember this. His last one was when he was almost four and he doesn't remember it. He hugged me tight and didn't want to get onto the table.

With some coaxing and a sigh of relief tinge technician finally got the leads on his head. 

This look... Says it... ALL

He was NOT happy.

But his doc said that if this test comes back ok, we may not have to have medication, which is what we've all been praying for since this journey started. No medications, no chronic terminal illness. FREEDOM to just be.

 Well the procedure started with the strobe, which always gives us both a headache and proceeded into me saying, "Just rest" like I have said so many times before.

The first 20 minutes of the hour long test consisted of me talking him through everything that was happening. Then, he asked me to hold his hands, so I took his little hands in mine and snuggled him for a bit. Then, I decided we needed some soft music playing, you see the goal is to get him to sleep. Which, Spoiler Alert, he never did sleep. But as I sat on a step stool by the bed with his hand in mine I told him a story that I just made up in my head. It was about Aiden and Lilly getting lost in the enchanted wood. It was a good story and it had a happy ending. You see, the wicked witch in the story was epilepsy, and the kids who escaped her clutches... Well that was us. 

This EEG, well... it was different. This time there is a light at the end of the tunnel where there hasn't been one for just a little less than five years. It makes me want to cry along with Aiden. This is all about to be behind us, and I feel somehow like I'm cutting off a limb. What the hell am I going to do without illness and "diagnoses" plaguing our daily life??. I wouldn't have wished the last five years of his life on anyone. And yet here we are... About to see a bright light shining over the horizon. But you see, we're not riding off into the sunset this is a NEW DAY. A new life has just begun. We are one family, one unit in its infancy, and we are just learning to walk.

SURVIVAL KIT FOR MOMS: 7 items I can't live without!

Here are some items I have needed as a mom in order to make it through these medical challenges with the kids:

1. God and a good Bible, a good translation (bible app is very good) If you use a hard copy, get one with footnotes... Like an NIV or a Study Bible. 

2. My family & friends, you know who you are! ❤️❤️❤️

3. Survival kit- includes but is not limited to a calendar, tablet, phone, tablet / phone charger (for those unexpected times you have to stay overnight when you just expected a test or two), an activity book for the kiddo, crayons, favorite stuffed animal, soft blanket (or other comfort object), a plastic bag to put soiled laundry in, a clean tee shirt for mom, a clean tee shirt for kiddo, a packet of tissues, current insurance card, cash, lip balm, hand cream, deodorant, and a travel tooth brush. 

4. Respite- be sure you take care of YOU.

5. Support Group- a group of individuals who can provide advice and support through the human side of an illness.

6. Patient liaison- most hospitals have one, someone who's been there, done that and can offer guidance on the financial / insurance end of things.

7. Peace- take time to breathe and reflect on what you CAN control, even when things seem totally out of control

These are just a few things that have helped me. What has helped you make it through a tough time with your child? Please leave a comment below!

If you like my blog, please subscribe. Please also check us out on YouTube at 

http://youtu.be/sbf2tS4SHGg where I offer littl tidbits of knowledge to help you and your family.

Until next time. Have a great weekend!

J

Day One

  So I'm sitting in my car waiting to go in for my interview this morning. As I sit here I think about my kids and how my working will impact them negatively or positively. My anxiety is high but so are my hopes that this could be a new chapter the first day of the rest of my life.

http://youtu.be/Qq2Tp3asLU8 this is a song by Matthew West that I heard while waiting. Says it all!

I chose this life in the small town when I moved here three years ago... I sacrificed a lot to move here to marry the man I have been dreaming of, but it certainly hasn't been easy. For financial reasons I need to go back to work but for emotional reasons I struggle with the decision on whether or not this is right for my family. My prayer, and earnest petition to God, is that he calms my fears stifles my anxiety and makes it so that I go into this interview with an open mind, and let my skills and experience speak for themselves.

I hope you're having a great day!

J

How I failed my kids this summer!!!!

This isn't just another back to school blog with lists of how to keep the homework center organized. That's another post for another time. 

This fall our children are ages 14,14, 12, 7, 5 1/2, and 5. This year they will all be in school for the first time. I have spent the last 10 months caring for my children after a layoff that turned out to be an enormous blessing to our family. I can say I haven't regretted a thing. Have we struggled financially? Sure. But, I can say this: I have given my children the one thing that isn't on any school supply list anywhere - my time.

My kids live in a fast paced world. They love horses, video games, superheroes, princesses and transformers yet they all know one thing for certain. They are truly loved.

So this back to school season I can confess that I am sure I have failed my children horribly the last few months. I have been too tired, too worried about my job search, too anxious, too everything.... But I do know this: I have been HERE. And being HERE is what so many kids are missing. They know they are loved, provided for and despite my shortcomings we have had a summer to remember because I was here.

As a weepy kinder / second grade / 7th grade / 8th grade momma, I will cry on the first day of school. Yep... I will weep because they're growing too fast (where does the time go?) and I will weep because I am grieving the loss of companionship and buzz of activity and the roller coaster ride that has been this summer. 

So amid the "Boquets of Freshly Sharpened Pencils" (Meg Ryan, You've Got Mail) and the backpacks and soccer gear which now line the halls, the only thing that is missing is me. And, I know I can look at the backpacks and say, "We're Good." Because they know I'm there with them in the memories that we shared this summer and will continue to make for years to come and for that I am truly and deeply blessed.

Have a great day friends. Meet the teacher is tonight. Sigh....

Have a great day friends,

J

The Simplicity of Organizing Crayons

Okay, so this is silliness but it has really helped my boys. We have taken the time to go through our crayons and sort them by color. Then, we bagged up the extras and gave them to our church for their "kids packs". Another idea is to take them to the local children's cancer center to allow them to use them in their lobby.

We sorted them by color and then put them in little cups by color inside of a $1 bin from Walmart.

Here is the finished product!

When bad stuff happens!!!!

So here is my rant for the day... People sometimes ask me how I hold it together... Just remember we need to be thankful for all the blessings we have, and try not to worry too much because God's GOT THIS! 

I know it's infuriating sometimes when life throws bad stuff your way, but all we can control is ALWAYS doing right by the kids and taking care of OUR future.

And please understand, I am upset about what we have to face sometimes too! However, if we let OUR lives continually get wrapped in the negativity and/or make bad choices, the enemy WINS. And I REFUSE to let that happen!!!

We are victors and we (us and God) win when everyone grows up healthy and happy and we forgive the past and move on with OUR  FUTURE!

We HAVE to rise above it all...

With God, we CAN!

J

My Testimony

It's taken me weeks to write this down. God has been telling me to for a long time. Most of my blog posts are about things that have to do with home and organizing or recipes and family, but today I will go in a different direction. This time we're going deep.

This is my testimony. This is how God changed me. It is what it is. It is true, raw, and authentic. Here we go...

Five years ago Christmas Eve, I was a pregnant with a little boy by my then fiancé, and was a single mother of a six year old little girl from my first marriage. I was engaged but had been dumped by my fiancé three days before we were supposed to be married, which was just a few days before Christmas. And a few weeks before that, I had been laid off from my job. Earlier that day, I had driven home from my parents house to my apartment, which was about an hour away (my daughter was with her dad until Christmas Day). I cried almost the whole way home but I knew that I had something very important to do. I had to go and pray. And I had to do it by myself and for myself and my children. And, At the church near my apartment that I had attended for the last year or so with my daughter. As I dressed I thought, how are we going to make it? I don't have a job, and I'm pregnant, who will hire me? God how am I going to raise this baby on my own?? So, I cleaned myself up, got dressed and got makeup on, well enough that I didn't look like I had been crying so much. I went and sat in the pew and just listened. The music was magical, and the tears began to flow and broke down the wall of my tears one by one and as the pastor spoke about forgiveness and grace through trials. He told us how God was ready, willing and able to meet us where we are; the deepest valley or the highest mountaintop. That there is no sin too heinous that God couldn't meet us there and help us dig our way out of the depths. I knew then all I needed to know, what he's been telling me for years: NOW, REALLY TRUST ME!

You see, I had been a Christian my whole life, but somewhat of a lukewarm believer. And I had never completely surrendered my life to God. In my early adulthood I would sin, get myself in a bind in one way or the other and I would bargain with God. "Hey Buddy, if you'll get me out of this one I won't do it again and I will attend church (or this.. Or that (insert righteous deed here))". Until this moment of complete and total brokenness by my own doing, I was too stubborn to surrender to Him. And then it happened...

After the sermon, I went to the altar rail to pray. In that moment, I gave my heart to Jesus completely. You see, I had nothing to lose because I had already lost everything else. My fiancé, my pride, my income, and all that was left was my child and me and my unborn baby, growing in me. And then there it was... my spirit, raw and exposed. This was it! I cupped my hands and gave the signal that I wanted someone to come and pray with me. A prayer pastor came over and put her hands on mine and prayed for me, for my baby and for my little girl. She prayed that we would find strength in Jesus who as a lowly babe came to save everyone, even me, at Christmas or any other day of the year. I cried, she cried, and I SURRENDERED. As if I had been at war with Him all these years. I gave in, I put up the white flag, threw in the towel, I was done running, once and for all! 

I have two ordained ministers in the family and have been to about a million church services it seems. Yet none was as meaningful as that night I accepted Jesus with my whole heart. 

After I received His Grace, I had a very complicated pregnancy. After many long months of bed rest, and hospital visits for preterm labor, my son was born. He was a very sick little baby boy. He was 30.5 weeks gestation and was born with a myriad of health problems. He was born so early due to preterm labor and pelvic congestion. His heart rate started falling and mine was going very very fast with every contraction so they had to do an emergency c-section. I remember sitting on the operating room table waiting for the anesthesia person to come in. He asked if I was okay, and I felt a wave of calm come over me. It was adrenaline mixed with prayers. I just knew God had us... I saw little Aiden in an incubator for the first time while I was in recovery. He was crying and was being wheeled into the area by a team of doctors and nurses. My mom never left my side.  He was crying but they let me touch him! I felt his warm skin and with my touch he quit crying. It was.... Magical.

With that said, He had bad respiratory problems and was intubated at birth. He weighed 3lbs 11oz. He had tubes and wires coming from everywhere. He had to be fed through a tube and had a line in his belly button for medicine. I didn't get to hold him for the better part of two weeks.

 I sat by his side in the NICU for 33 loooong days and though it was a terrible time of worry and ups and downs I knew I was not alone. God was right there with us and I knew that because of the surrender Christmas Eve, I was equipped to face this challenge calmly and with thoughtful discernment as some very important and life altering decisions had to be made. I was calm most of the time, even though that may be debatable by some (lol). And even though my daughter broke her arm one week into it and I was torn on where to be, at the ER with her or at the NICU. Because if Aiden breathes his last breath, I sure as hell wasn't going to miss it.

Aiden came home on oxygen and Sophie's arm healed. I went back to work for a wonderful company in late 2009. My parents moved closer to help me with Aiden so I could make an income and still provide for Aiden's medical, physical, and occupational therapy needs. Additionally his immune system was weak, and we needed the help. Thankfully, they helped, juggled and did what they needed to assist while facilitating me being head of my household and parent to my kids. Aiden's biological father was never involved and signed his rights over in the fall of 2010. 

During the fall of 2010, I met a wonderful man, who is now my husband, and we started dating. In January of 2011 Sophie, then 8, complained of a weird bump on her head. After test after test, she was finally diagnosed after a surgery to remove a lump on her skull, which we affectionately called "ouchie the bump". The pathology report said it was "Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis" and the head and neck surgeon referred her to Texas Children's Oncology. After meeting with them they said one year of chemo was likely. We prayed like CRAZY! I had everyone I knew (and many I didn't) praying that some how, some way, the tumor would be completely gone (surgery only got 'most' of the tissue, she still had a 1cm skull-eating tumor left in her skull!!). So... The vigil began while they staged her LCH (which usually requires chemo and in worse cases, Bone Marrow Transplant). Miraculously a few days later we spoke her oncologist and he told us that we needed to cancel her port surgery!!!! I was so relieved!!! The tumor was identified as "miraculous" and "shrinking by itself". Today Sophie is a happy healthy 11 year-old who plays percussion in the school band and won a place in the school UIL competition for writing and is an amazing artist. She goes through scans annually but, Thank God, though there is still some tumor remaining, she is strong and healthy. She credits God with her miraculous healing and so do I.

About the same time as Sophie's LCH diagnosis, Aiden started having massive Grand Mal Epileptic Seizures. The neurologist uncovered an asymmetry in his hippocampus and also since he had a level iii brain bleed in the NICU they now tell us he will never outgrow the seizures. He was also given a diagnosis of latent Cerebral Palsy at that time due to severe muscle weakness. 

It was by far the hardest time of my life and made what I went through at the beginning of my pregnancy seem small relative to this challenge. Instead of blaming myself or anyone else I would just close my eyes and I knew thay God was there. You see, God transformed my "lukewarm" heart into something strong, loving and open!!!  In December of 2011, I married the love of my life and became bonus mom to his four beautiful children, and he became stepdad to Sophie and Aiden. In 2012 he adopted my son into his family and we were a complete family. Blending the families hasn't been without its struggles. Through it all God has truly been my whole strength as he delivered us from sin and death into LIFE! Did I ever expect to have SIX kids and remarry? No way! But you see, God had plans that exceeded mine!!!

Thankfully Sophie is now in remission as of March 2013 and Aiden is healthy despite his underlying issues. Everyone is adjusting to our new family and doing well. Grace by Faith has brought us here and will see us through.

Sunday I was pleased to be able to attend the church where my brother was appointed as pastor last June. His sermon was about hope. I thought this sermon was perfectly designed to explain the hope of Christ in the Christmas story of a baby wrapped in cloths, born to an unwed mother. It was an awesome discription of how we should humble ourselves and be like the lowly babe laying in a mud coated barn.

When you 'have it all' why would you need to have hope? MAYBE... You have food on your table. You have all your bills paid. You purchased all the best things for your loved ones on your list and your home is clean and the laundry is folded and the kids are happy and well adjusted and productive adults. Why would you need hope? Because one day, in one instant your life can change and your heart needs to be filled with the good news of salvation so that when the music fades, the happy ending happens and the "real life" happens you will be equipped to handle it. ALL of it.

It reminds me of the question, "what do you give the person who has everything?" Hope through Grace is the answer. Hope for a change of your own heart this season. Hope through Jesus Christ. He bore our sins... ALL our sins (even the deep dark dirty stuff that we don't tell anyone about...) THOSE sins, and died a brutal death on the cross and forgives us ALL of them if we just accept the gift of grace and have faith that He does forgive us. He rose from the dead and ascended into heaven to prove that through him the promise of eternal life is ours! 

So this year, what I'd like to give you for Christmas is hope. Grace, and it's not from me, it's really a gift from God. And it's free...albeit a few weeks late... But late or not grace is all we have sometimes... And for me grace has made all the difference.

Have a great day friends!

J

No, you won't get everything on your list.

This year our kids will not get everything on their list. They will get love and be shown the love of Christ revealed on Christmas. They will have full tummies and love and family all around them. They will not get a red mustang ride on toy or a red motorcycle or a playhouse in the back yard or a Xbox. 

Don't get me wrong, there will be toys and trinkets and fun things under the tree. Simple things. They will not get Kindle Fires or i-anything... But they will get iloveyous and icares a million fold.

After years of spoiling them, I worry I am disappointing them by not giving them everything they ask for. However the season is far less about the things that they receive than the GIFT of Jesus. And, the only way to instill the truth of that is to pull back, do less, love more and I am really okay with that.

As your preparations for the Christmas season continue, remember a baby, lying in a manger with nothing more than rags around him who was, is, and will always be enough. 

Have a great day friends!

J