From a Stepmother on Mother's Day

I am a stepmother. 

There. I said it. The S word. I don't particularly like the word. 

I much prefer Bonus Mom, Momma Jodi or pretty much anything other than Stepmother. Maybe it's just the "Step" part that bothers me but it just seems so negative. I have never asked them to call me mom because that is not my place.

Thanks to Cinderella, we have understood the term "Wicked Stepmother" in vivid detail. There are volumes and volumes of notes in therapist's offices about how horrible Stepmothers can be, but I assure you, those are few and far between. In fact, I often hear from children, grown children that is, of families who had awful stepmothers and who give my husband and I accolades for how we are raising our children. Thankfully, there is that. I just really never expected Mother's Day to be so lonely with six children. I dread it actually... Sure, I enjoy the rest and the breakfast in bed. I certainly don't take that for granted with having been a single mother for many years, and only now having a loving husband and a child old enough to cook. So, don't get me wrong, I appreciate that my two children and my husband always make Mother's Day special. However, when you're mother to six kids virtually every other day of the year, it gets a little lonely. 

When I married their father, I know I didn't just marry him, I married THEM. And, I knew his ex, their biological mom, would always be a part of that equation.  In spite of how she treats us, however, she is their mother, and I understand that to that end, the children deserve to have us speak kindly about her and not to tear her down, it's counterproductive. And, in the end it hurts them, and I refuse to hurt them. They didn't choose this, but we just have to make the best of it and I will always take the high road, even when it's hard. FOR them...

Since we have custody of the children now, I have a renewed sense of what it is to be a mother. The fact that they didn't come from my womb, well... that matters less and less daily. What matters is who tucks them in at night, who prepares their meals, holds them when they hurt and has the power to make the pain go away with just a kind word or a band aid. Sigh... I just love being with them all, but Mother's Day is tough. As a step parent this season means that you may or may not be recognized in any way. Overlooked intentionally? I doubt it. But oh how I love my kids. All six of them. You see, I have been wicked stepmonster to four of the kids for almost four years now. So, with that said, it's hard to be the one that is a second thought even though they all tell me that they love me on a regular basis, a fact which we have never forced on them. I have always said I love you, but you don't have to love me, just know that I will love you no matter what. 

And, that, I guess is what really matters, even if they are with their mom on Mother's Day, I count my blessings that I get to be a part of their other days. I am thankful, blessed, and overwhelmed with the gift God has bestowed on us to take care of these amazing children. It's hard, daily. But worth every tantrum, every muddy shoe, every stinky soccer uniform, every unmade bed, every everything... because I am their BONUS mom.

Have a great day everyone! 

J 

The Rules for Moms - 10 MISSION CRITICAL RULES! from someone who has been there.

The Rules for Moms - 10 MISSION CRITICAL RULES! from someone who has been there.

If you are a child of the 70's and 80's like me you may know a few of these things too, but humor me... As a product of the RULES books of the 90's I wanted to impart some NEW RULES, But this time for MOMS!

I am raising a family in the age of instant gratification, excess and technology. And though technology has its advantages with the convenience it offers, as moms we must stand up and fight FOR our kids and FOR the family. So here are a few RULES I've put together for moms that should help.

Preface with GOD... And lots of LOVE.

(1) Put face-to-face interaction FIRST!- in this age of technology, where everyone has his or her head in a screen, it's important that we set boundaries for ourselves and our families. We have a docking station where all of our devices land at 8 o'clock and they aren't touched for the duration of the evening. With six kids under 15, this is the best way to limit the tech time in the evenings that the kids have. We also make an effort to watch shows WITH our kids if and when we have time to watch TV.

(2) Touch- be sure you connect with your kids through touch. I'm not talking creeper touch, I'm talking a hug, a kiss, a touch on the arm. They just need that...

(3) Connect- telling the kids you're proud of them is one thing, but connecting with them in a common interest is essential... Even if it's something you're not "usually" in to. Do it for them, they'll eat it up!

(4) OfferEtiquette- I'm no Lauren Conrad, Martha Stewart or Emily Post, but we can't forget our kids when it comes to teaching them how to be well mannered. Teach them to sit still, ask for things nicely and to have good table manners. 

I had an etiquette coach in middle school (she was our English teacher and did this as an elective once per semester) when I was young and I still remember learning which fork is which and how to shake hands. These are skills we need to be someone who was socially adept and could go out to a nice dinner without embarrassing ourselves.

(5) Impart Wisdom- tell them YOUR story.

My kids love it when we share stories of our childhoods and experiences from our lives. They love hearing stories about places we've been and things we've seen. Unplug and talk to your kids. They love that.

(6) Give up control- teach them. I know it takes longer to teach someone to do something rather than do it yourself, but your kids will be more self sufficient end the end if you loosen the reins and let them do things for themselves. 

(7) Realize that perfection is a Myth- forget about being "Pinterest Perfect" and learn that good enough is pretty darn good when your juggling the duties of a modern day mom. Believe me, Pinterest is fun, but I look at it like a modern day magazine. You can't possibly do all those things, but the pictures sure are pretty to look at. Be yourself and be imperfect. Just being PRESENT is the biggest and only gift they need.

(8) Let them it's okay be little- kindergarteners are learning at a faster and faster pace, everyone is trying to be sure our kids have a competitive edge in this country and I understand. But that said, we mustn't forget that we need to allow them to just be kids and just allow them to run, jump, play in the rain and just be. That's the stuff they'll remember. 

(9) Teach Home Management- okay this one is for ALL the kids and speaks to the perfectionism I touched on earlier. Don't strive to perfection, but teach your children to wash their own clothes, wash their own dishes, clean up after meals and help out. This isn't merely a survival skill for big families, but the goal is to raise them to be productive adults, not productive needy leeches, right? So let's teach them to keep their spaces, K??

(10) Teach Competitiveness- in the age when "everybody wins" it is imperative that we teach our children to be competitive yet how to be a GOOD SPORT when they lose and when they win! Being competitive means competing against yourself too. Teach the kids the term "personal best", so they can be the best version of themselves.

What things do you do for your kids to help them be productive ADULTS? leave a comment below.

Also, be sure to subscribe to receive blog posts when they are published. And don't forget to check me out on YouTube at: http://youtu.be/sbf2tS4SHGg

Until next time have a great day!

Jodi

SURVIVAL KIT FOR MOMS: 7 items I can't live without!

 So this morning A didn't go to school. It was EEG day. So we got the other five kids to school, homemade bottle rockets and backpacks in tow, and loaded everyone up into the vehicle. It is no small feat in the mornings because everyone argues about who gets to sit where. I see a seating chart in our future.

So Aiden and I went over to the hospital around 9:30am and got him checked in. We had to go to the "big" hospital because the machine at the children's hospital is broken. After waiting for about twenty minutes they called us back. Aiden buried his head into my chest. He was very concerned about this test. You see, he is just now old enough to really remember this. His last one was when he was almost four and he doesn't remember it. He hugged me tight and didn't want to get onto the table.

With some coaxing and a sigh of relief tinge technician finally got the leads on his head. 

This look... Says it... ALL

He was NOT happy.

But his doc said that if this test comes back ok, we may not have to have medication, which is what we've all been praying for since this journey started. No medications, no chronic terminal illness. FREEDOM to just be.

 Well the procedure started with the strobe, which always gives us both a headache and proceeded into me saying, "Just rest" like I have said so many times before.

The first 20 minutes of the hour long test consisted of me talking him through everything that was happening. Then, he asked me to hold his hands, so I took his little hands in mine and snuggled him for a bit. Then, I decided we needed some soft music playing, you see the goal is to get him to sleep. Which, Spoiler Alert, he never did sleep. But as I sat on a step stool by the bed with his hand in mine I told him a story that I just made up in my head. It was about Aiden and Lilly getting lost in the enchanted wood. It was a good story and it had a happy ending. You see, the wicked witch in the story was epilepsy, and the kids who escaped her clutches... Well that was us. 

This EEG, well... it was different. This time there is a light at the end of the tunnel where there hasn't been one for just a little less than five years. It makes me want to cry along with Aiden. This is all about to be behind us, and I feel somehow like I'm cutting off a limb. What the hell am I going to do without illness and "diagnoses" plaguing our daily life??. I wouldn't have wished the last five years of his life on anyone. And yet here we are... About to see a bright light shining over the horizon. But you see, we're not riding off into the sunset this is a NEW DAY. A new life has just begun. We are one family, one unit in its infancy, and we are just learning to walk.

SURVIVAL KIT FOR MOMS: 7 items I can't live without!

Here are some items I have needed as a mom in order to make it through these medical challenges with the kids:

1. God and a good Bible, a good translation (bible app is very good) If you use a hard copy, get one with footnotes... Like an NIV or a Study Bible. 

2. My family & friends, you know who you are! ❤️❤️❤️

3. Survival kit- includes but is not limited to a calendar, tablet, phone, tablet / phone charger (for those unexpected times you have to stay overnight when you just expected a test or two), an activity book for the kiddo, crayons, favorite stuffed animal, soft blanket (or other comfort object), a plastic bag to put soiled laundry in, a clean tee shirt for mom, a clean tee shirt for kiddo, a packet of tissues, current insurance card, cash, lip balm, hand cream, deodorant, and a travel tooth brush. 

4. Respite- be sure you take care of YOU.

5. Support Group- a group of individuals who can provide advice and support through the human side of an illness.

6. Patient liaison- most hospitals have one, someone who's been there, done that and can offer guidance on the financial / insurance end of things.

7. Peace- take time to breathe and reflect on what you CAN control, even when things seem totally out of control

These are just a few things that have helped me. What has helped you make it through a tough time with your child? Please leave a comment below!

If you like my blog, please subscribe. Please also check us out on YouTube at 

http://youtu.be/sbf2tS4SHGg where I offer littl tidbits of knowledge to help you and your family.

Until next time. Have a great weekend!

J

A life without carpool...

As I pulled around the corner for the first afternoon pick up of my three small children after the first week of school had completed for the 2014 2015 school year, I couldn't help but have tears well up in my eyes as I contemplated the many many people who will go through this week without their children there close to them going through this experience of growing up as their parents dreamed of for their entire lives. You see when you've been touched by illness or tragedy there is nothing else that matters other than seeing tomorrow. 

Understanding full well that all six of my children for the moment are very healthy aside from the normal cold flu and ear infection that may come up throughout the year everyone has gotten a clean bill of health for the future. I still can't help but think of all the parents who have lost children and can't have these moments in the carpool lane waiting for their kids to come out complaining fighting pulling out each other's hair whining exhausted from the first week of school.

So it's important as we go through this back to school season and we all post pictures of our children in their cute little outfits with apples and chalkboard signs marking the passage from one grade to the next, that we are sympathetic and remember those who have lost children and those who can't have children for whatever reason. I'm so sorry. I truly am. for that empty place that you may feel for that void that you fill with prayer and anticipation waiting for that next pregnancy test to show positive or the bedroom you walk into that is now empty. My heart aches for you in the carpool lane.

It is really easy to get caught up in the every day. But I refuse to do that and forget the loneliness of the last seven years of my life that I felt prior to meeting my wonderful husband. My daughter was diagnosed with Langerhans cell histiocytosis at the age of eight and was given a 12 month path to healing that included chemotherapy and steroids thankfully she just had to have a surgery and quarterly scans and is now miraculously doing fine. Then my son who was born premature and was very ill received the diagnosis that he had epilepsy and had a horrible grand mall seizures and I was a single parent I didn't know how I was going to get through that trial. 

But with that said I wouldn't change a thing. That journey brought me to the gratefulness and the humility that I feel now for the husband and the family to which I been blessed. The sacrifices that we all make for our children are nothing short of a miracle. For those of you who pray for us and spite of your loss or the absence of children in your lives for whatever reason I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am truly thankful for every moment every breath every laugh every whining moment of my children's lives. 

I hope you are too. 

Have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend!

J

Yep... Thats MY kid...

Last night was meet the teacher at my children's elementary school. This year we have three in elementary and three in middle school. What happened is straight up the most amazing moment in back to school history. Ever. Stay tuned...

So here's how it all went down. We walked toward the school and even though I have had four other children go through the doors of that school before, it occurred to me that this will be the last meet the teacher of kindergarten for any of my kids. Ever. Snif...

I have been blessed to be a part of my four bonus kids' lives for over three years now and the bonds have sunk in. We have them all the time except a few weekends a month so it's been awesome to get to know my kids better this summer. They're amazing, and hilarious, and mischievous and insane, and it's just fun. Especially when, after Aiden was born they told me I couldn't have more children and now I am privileged to get to be bonus mom to FOUR more. That's six! I sometimes feel like the old woman in the shoe, but mostly it's just fun. Never a dull moment.

This has been an amazing journey for me, but for my littlest ones M & A it's just beginning. For A, it was a blessing for us that he was placed in a class with other kids he knew already through activities at church and he even knows his teacher! Yay! His reaction was awesome.

It says so much... "I don't want to take this picture. I didn't initiate this picture. Haven't you gotten enough pictures, mom? Why is everyone staring at me?"

But in the end it's "pure awesomeness..."

Here's the normal pic of li'l man so you know what is non-goofball face looks like.

Happy Back to School, Friends!

J

How I failed my kids this summer!!!!

This isn't just another back to school blog with lists of how to keep the homework center organized. That's another post for another time. 

This fall our children are ages 14,14, 12, 7, 5 1/2, and 5. This year they will all be in school for the first time. I have spent the last 10 months caring for my children after a layoff that turned out to be an enormous blessing to our family. I can say I haven't regretted a thing. Have we struggled financially? Sure. But, I can say this: I have given my children the one thing that isn't on any school supply list anywhere - my time.

My kids live in a fast paced world. They love horses, video games, superheroes, princesses and transformers yet they all know one thing for certain. They are truly loved.

So this back to school season I can confess that I am sure I have failed my children horribly the last few months. I have been too tired, too worried about my job search, too anxious, too everything.... But I do know this: I have been HERE. And being HERE is what so many kids are missing. They know they are loved, provided for and despite my shortcomings we have had a summer to remember because I was here.

As a weepy kinder / second grade / 7th grade / 8th grade momma, I will cry on the first day of school. Yep... I will weep because they're growing too fast (where does the time go?) and I will weep because I am grieving the loss of companionship and buzz of activity and the roller coaster ride that has been this summer. 

So amid the "Boquets of Freshly Sharpened Pencils" (Meg Ryan, You've Got Mail) and the backpacks and soccer gear which now line the halls, the only thing that is missing is me. And, I know I can look at the backpacks and say, "We're Good." Because they know I'm there with them in the memories that we shared this summer and will continue to make for years to come and for that I am truly and deeply blessed.

Have a great day friends. Meet the teacher is tonight. Sigh....

Have a great day friends,

J